My Pursuit....

I want you more than life.
I want you more than what's before my eyes...
I want you more.
I love you more than life.
I love you more than these imperfect affections...
That have consumed my heart.

God's really been dealing with me on love.

A couple of months ago, I had talked to my mentor about how easily I get distracted during worship. If you know me, I'm pretty chill, but worship would start and it was like my mind went super A.D.D...and she told me that she had dealt with something similar in a church that she and her family went to. She said that she found that she and her sisters would talk all throughout the service...and then one week she was like "Wait, this is not my character...what is up with this?" And she prayed that God would give her a name for it....and God revealed that there was a spirit of distraction, so she encouraged me that as I was dealing with this to ask God for a name of the issue.

So, I thought, cool....but it's probably a spirit of distraction or something like that, and that's not really revelation to me I guess...But nonetheless, I was in worship on Tuesday morning, dealing with my mind just going haywire, so I figured what the heck? I'll ask....

You know how I always know it's God? Besides the fact that I test it and make sure it lines up with the word...? He always answers my question before I'm done asking it... lol.

Brokenheartedness.

My eyes flew open and I stood staring at the screen of lyrics....completely still. And I questioned it. That was definitely not the answer I was expecting...I was most definitely NOT brokenhearted....at least I don't feel like I am....

I decided to go to the prayer room. I skipped lunch, I wasn't very hungry anyways, and just went there to kinda pray about it. Upon walking in the room, I quickly signed in and layed flat on my stomach...and sobbed.

Oh I hate crying. haha. It's ok though. But a question that God had asked me a few weeks before came to my remembrance.....

"Ask me how much your worth...."

That was really hard for me to do. Revelation- My opinion of myself was definitely not Gods.
And he did some hardcore surgery on my heart, in fact, it's been ongoing.

Because he keeps reminding me that HE is love...he's loving...Yes, he's just, mighty, awesome, powerful and all those bad boy words....but he is also gentle with renewed mercies...and finds me delightful. There was a time in my life when I believed that fully, but I was at a place where I believed it with my mind but I didn't believe it with my heart...because I had been wounded.

So lately, he's just been blowing my mind with all of this lovey-doveyness...that may not sound spiritual but it's where I am at...and of all the lyrics that swim through my brain, the one that sticks out is that He is my pursuit......augh....he's amazing.

That was a lot of randomness, but I'm in love....